As America’s corporate embodiment of negligence and greed, Equifax has gone to great lengths to solidify its place as one of the world’s most hated companies. But that’s all about to change, dear friends and neighbors, because the corporation that lost the personal information of potentially 143 million individuals to hackers are about to be here for you in a big way.
And just how, exactly, will a company that couldn’t patch a known vulnerability get back in your good graces? Drumroll please… with an app.
That’s right, during a Wednesday hearing held by the Senate Commerce Committee, interim CEO Paulino do Rego Barros Jr. told those gathered that his company is making an app. You know, for security and stuff.
“The product is being developed as we speak — we are on time to deliver this in January,” noted Barros. “We just started our development tests now,” he added.
“Interim Equifax CEO says it’s developing app to provide consumers more control”… sorry, that’s really funny.
— Jeremiah Grossman (@jeremiahg) November 8, 2017
As Silicon Valley has repeatedly shown, whether it be for finding a toilet, scanning your dick pics, or getting strangers to buy you milk, apps are always great ideas providing much needed solutions to heretofore seemingly intractable problems. Equifax, it appears, wants in.
And we’re sure the company will hire developers that put a priority on protecting user data. No doubt there. Because, for the app to do anything at all related to your credit, it’s definitely going to need some of your personal information. And we know Equifax is to be trusted in this department.
But just what, you ask, will the app do? In the hearing, Sen. Amy Klobuchar, a Minnesota Democrat, noted that this mythical piece of software would “allow consumers to lock and unlock personal credit data,” but at present that’s really all we know.
We reached out to Equifax with a host of questions but, sadly, received no response as of press time. We imagine the company’s representatives were too busy changing all their passwords to “admin” to get back to us. Or, if not that, possibly they stepped away from their inboxes in order to direct worried hack victims to a fake Equifax site.
Either way, everyone at the company is clearly busy. Hopefully, they’re putting that collective brain power into the to-be-released mobile product. If their previous app — which also allowed users to “Lock and unlock [their] Equifax credit file” — is any indication, things should turn out fine.
And by “fine,” of course, we mean fine for Equifax. Everyone else will, once again, surely end up screwed.